How
possible can we build a lasting relationship and marriage, enveloped with love
that never fails when all the aforementioned points are inevitable in our
relationships and marriages?
ref; The five love languages by Gary Chapman
In the last
post, I emphasized on the reasons why love fail
and the purpose of it is that; it will serve as a background knowledge to the
major aim of the series and I highlighted five reasons out of many others,
showing us why love fails
You will hear
people say:
The love had
finished; I asked how?
I am highly
disappointed; my question is why?
He/she
suddenly changed; from what and to what?
He is not
ready to comply with my change; what change?
His level of
intelligence is low and it is hurting me; why and what have you done to help?
Someone came into
his/her life and everything started falling apart; who, what for and what
created the space for such person to enter?
Often time, we
capitalize on what our partner did wrong and forgetting things we on our own
side neglected to do and thereby hurting them and pushing them away from our
lives. Love on its own is not meant to fail but it do fail because people are
involved. But I bring a good new to you today that love, relationships and
marriages can be well managed to the peak of success and fulfillment.
Love have
different languages and each language has dialects. It will be so impossible
for us to communicate efficiently, effectively and come to a level of agreement
if we don’t understand our languages
I am in the
northern part of the country currently and being my first time, language barrier
had been so frustrating because I can only communicate with people who
understood what I am saying; To buy goods is really challenging, transportation
is another challenge because majority don’t understand my language (including
the generally accepted language) and likewise I
The same thing
with love and its languages, until you learn to understand the languages of
love, you will never be able to communicate it effectively.
Haven’t you
seen couples and one of them is complaining bitterly that with all my effort to
make things work, he/she is not just getting it, could it be that you are
speaking different love language which he/she did not understand? If this be
the case, you will never get yourselves right
Ask yourself
this question as I continue: Did I know the language that love speaks and if I
do, have I being able to discover my personal love language and that of my
partner
Note: Your personal
love language is your primary language when it comes to love and most time, it
is difficult and not very visible for both partners to have the same love language,
which means’ you have to go out of your comfort zone to learn the secondary
language also which is the language of your partner for effective communication
of love
Love language one: Word of affirmation
Dr. Gary Chapman in the 5 love languages says a man named Mark Twain once said, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.”
If we take Twain literally, six compliments a year would have kept his emotional
love tank (the desire to be loved) at the operational level. Which means for
any lady to enjoy this man in question, she must learn his love language and
communicate it well to him?
There is no one on earth
that doesn’t enjoy compliments, it is an expression of praise, everyone wish to
be celebrated and praised which is the highest psychological need of every
human; dear you are amazing with your voice while singing on the stage today; I
can’t just help staring at your picture all thought today because you are too
beautiful for my eyes not to behold continually. Imagine what those words will
do to your partner/spouse, but most people don’t even know how to express those
words and their love story is fading off gradually.
One way to express love emotionally
is to use words that build up. Solomon, author of the ancient Hebrew Wisdom
Literature, wrote, “The tongue has the power of life and death.” Many couples have never learned the
tremendous power of verbally affirming each other. Solomon further noted,
“An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a
kind word cheers him up.” Verbal
compliments, or words of appreciation, are powerful communicators of love. They
are best expressed in simple, straightforward statements of affirmation,
If you can study each language with their
dialects as we proceed, then it will be possible and easy for you to detect
your partner love language, speak the language fluently and thereby enhancing
your love and relationship/marriage by acting accordingly
The dialects of the
language: WORD OF AFFIRMATION:
1. Encouraging Words:
Giving verbal compliments is
only one way to express words of affirmation to your partner/spouse, I don’t
think there is a way to express word than speaking the words, some will say
he/she should know I love him/her, how do you expect him/her to know when you
are not saying it, how will I know if I’m looking good to you if you have never
said it, I looked at the mirror before leaving the house and I got many
compliment while coming, but that’s not a yardstick for me to judge what I may
look like to you, so I expect you to say it
It is important that we
speak those words to our partner and encourage them of things they are doing
which we will like them to continue and never give up on. The word “encourage”
means “to inspire courage.” All of us have areas in which we feel insecure. We
lack courage, and that lack of courage often hinders us from accomplishing the
positive things that we would like to do. The latent potential within your
partner/spouse in his or her areas of insecurity may await your encouraging
words.
Lots have die with many
dreams unfulfilled and many will still die with unfulfilled dreams because
there is no one to encourage them and no one should do it better to your
partner than you, don’t deceive them but rather encourage them. Most people
believed the words of their partners than any other person, don’t be too
obsessed with your success and let this egocentric nature cause your partner to
be a mediocre forever. Encourage them, say it and don’t stop saying it
2. Kind Words:
Love is kind. If then we are to communicate
love verbally, we must use kind words. That has to do with the way we speak.
The same sentence can have two different meanings, depending on how you say it.
The statement “I love you,” when said with
kindness and tenderness, can be a genuine expression of love. What about “I
love you?” The question mark changes the whole meaning of those three words.
Sometimes our words say one thing, but our tone of voice says another. We are
sending double messages. Our spouse will usually interpret our message based on
our tone of voice, not the words we use. This is why many love story has ended
in tragedy.
“I would be delighted to
wash dishes tonight,” said in a snarling tone will not be received as an
expression of love. On the other hand, we can share hurt, pain, and even anger
in a kind manner and that will be an expression of love. “I felt disappointed and
hurt that you didn’t offer to help me this evening,” said in an honest, kind
manner can be an expression of love.
The person speaking wants to
be known by her spouse. She is taking steps to build intimacy by sharing her
feelings. She is asking for an opportunity to discuss a hurt in order to find
healing. The same words expressed with a loud, harsh voice will be not an
expression of love but an expression of condemnation and judgment.
When I have been wronged by
my partner/spouse and she has painfully confessed it and requested forgiveness,
I have the option of justice or forgiveness. If I choose justice and seek to
pay her back or make her pay for her wrongdoing, I am making myself the judge
and she; the felon. Intimacy becomes impossible. If, however, I choose to
forgive, intimacy can be restored. Forgiveness is the way of love.
I am amazed by how many
individuals mess up every new day with yesterday. They insist on bringing into
today the failures of yesterday and in so doing, they pollute a potentially
wonderful day. “I can’t believe you did it.
A friend called for my
advise some couple of months ago, and while talking, I remembered a related and
unfavorable decision she took times ago and I imported it to back my points up
and immediately, her tone changed and she was like, its fine, it’s okay,
immediately I realized what I’ve done and stopped on that point, let the past
be in the past, you can’t change history, you can only influence the future.
Let the past be in the past forever
We can choose to live today
free from the failures of yesterday. Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is a decision
and a commitment. It is a choice to show mercy, not to hold the offense up
against the offender. Forgiveness is an expression of love. “I love you. I care
about you, and I choose to forgive you. Even though my feelings of hurt may
linger, I will not allow what has happened to come between us. Remember our
slogan here; LOVE IS A CHOICE
Love makes requests, not
demands. When I demand things from my partner/spouse, I become a parent and she
the child. It is the parent who tells the three-year-old what he ought to do
and what he must do. That is necessary because the three-year-old does not yet
know how to navigate in the treacherous waters of life.
In marriage, we are adults
and we not parent to children, we know the place of wife submitting and husband
loving, but that’s not a yardstick to turn ourselves to objects of mockery and
slavery
I remembered years ago when
I was bankruptcy of this light, I will tell my partner to get me water as if
she is my maid; but when the light came and understanding was birthed, I
realized that when I respect her and speak humbly to her, it will birth respect
for me too and our love story will continue to show green light, it has nothing
to do with gender equality. Respect is reciprocal
It is to be a request and
not an authoritative word, request like; dear, can you please get me water from
the fridge, she will humbly do that, it is wise and better than; bring water
for me from the fridge, even when you put please, it is still not humble enough
I will like to dwell here
because of our men, many of us can’t just be humble with speech and that’s why
we are finding it difficult to enjoy our relationship and marriage and also
part of the reason why our love story is failing on daily basis, love is
beautiful, when you truly love and show it to your partner, she will respect
you, respect is not by currency, can’t be bought or forced, it is earned.
A request introduces the
element of choice. Your mate may choose to respond to your request or to deny
it, because love is always a choice. That’s what makes it meaningful. To know
that my partner/spouse loves me enough to respond to one of my requests
communicates emotionally that she cares about me, respects me, admires me, and
wants to do something to please me.
My spouse may in fact comply
with my demands, but it may not an expression of love. It is may be an act of
fear or guilt or some other emotion, but not love. Thus, a request creates the
possibility for an expression of love, whereas a demand suffocates that
possibility.
3. More Ways to Affirm:
If you are not a man or
woman of words, please learn it as your secondary love language because it is
very expedient for everyone, everyone want to be appreciated and loved. If it
is not your primary love language, it may be the love language of your partner/spouse,
let me suggest that you keep a notebook titled “Words of Affirmation.”
When you read an article or
book on love, record the words of affirmation you find. When you hear a lecture
on love or you overhear a friend saying something positive about another
person, write it down. In time, you will collect quite a list of words to use
in communicating love to your spouse.
You may also want to try
giving indirect words of affirmation—that is, saying positive things about your
spouse when he or she is not present. Eventually, someone will tell your
partner/spouse, and you will get full credit for love.
Tell your partners/wife’s
mother how great your partner/wife is. When her mother tells her what you said,
it will be amplified, and you will get even more credit. Also affirm your
spouse in front of others when he or she is present. When you are given public
honor for an accomplishment, be sure to share the credit with your partner/spouse.
You may also try your hand at writing words of affirmation. Written words have
the benefit of being read over and over again.
Don’t fake it, be real with
it and be truly real; all the above points are not to flatter anyone or to make
a fool out of anyone but rather to genuinely make them feel loved and let this
come from within you and not to trap them, deceive or use them.
One of my mentors and a
father of faith shared with us in a meeting of recent when the wife celebrated
her birthday and they were together that day to celebrate and he really gave
time to the wife and she was very happy, but he made extra effort to celebrate
the wife lavishly on social media without telling the wife and later that day,
the wife saw it and became so excited and told the husband;
Thank you for celebrating me
on your wall, I really appreciate it but it would have pained me if you did not
do it, this is also a language that the wife understood for love, imagine
that!!!... We spent the whole day together expressing my love to you and it
would have pained you the most if I had not celebrated you on social media.
Learn your partner love
language, it will really help your love to grow trust me.
Note: You don’t have to give
word of affirmation back immediately your partner expresses his/hers to you, it
will be as if you are fighting him or her back with it and it will not be
appreciated and will bring about discouragement.
Have times you express
yours, let him or her do theirs and also do yours sincerely and genuinely.
Next: LOVE LANGUAGE TWO
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2 Comments
Glory to Jesus for this... Thank you
ReplyDeleteThis is awesome. Thanks for this
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