Secret and privacy; the enemy of success in relationship and marriage

Sometimes, telling the whole story can actually harm a person more. It is the job and responsibility of each individual to discern the information they share with their partner, but the truth is that unnecessary secret kills trust, courage, love, hope, relationship and marriage. If you ever want to build a steady, healthy and happy relationship and marriage, it must be built on truth, trust, openness and absolute transparency.

One of the most common and core areas of struggle in relationship and marriage is determining how open and transparent lovers, partners and couples are to one another or should be in their relationship/marriage. There is often this personal and individual conclusion and expectation of “I’ll show you mine if you shows me yours” regarding personal information, social media ID’s, passwords, text messages, emails, access to certain gadget and most especially mobile phones which was the genesis of this discussion as we discussed in one of our meetings on our Whatsapp group/community. 

In addition to this is the place of secret in relationship and marriage, we have heard individuals having an unbelievable secret outside the relationship and even in marriage, which most times destabilized the other partner when they get to know and became a thorn in the flesh and often time drift the relationship apart.

Most times, it is not totally the fault of the one keeping secret but their past, bitter and terrible experiences caused them to. But I am sure that, after reading through this post with your heart, you will be healed of that pain and mindset that has kept you bound for years and ruining your relationship and marriage.

A very important truth to explore is that; we must recognize that our partner is not entitled to the knowledge of our every thought, behavior, or move. They are entitled to mutual respect and trust, this will crush every sense of insecurity and fear as far as the relationship and marriage is concerned. Lack of trust is what is killing many individuals, relationships and marriages today; some had been victim of heart attack, high blood pressure and heartbreak because of this subject matter.

Sometimes, telling the whole story can actually harm a person more. It is the job and responsibility of each individual to discern the information they share with their partner, but the truth is that unnecessary secret kills trust, courage, love, hope, relationship and marriage. If you ever want to build a steady, healthy and happy relationship and marriage, it must be built on truth, trust, openness and absolute transparency.

Disclaimer: You don’t share the whole of your life with someone you don’t trust or probably you are having a wrong feeling towards; it will be very dangerous and disastrous to open up the whole of your life to such individual because it can be very risky, it is not everyone that love you and want you to be part of their life, some are in disguise for something terrible which is best known to them. Verify their integrity before you commit your transparency and absolute openness to someone. I don’t mean lies but sharing your secrets and being totally opened, you can make things confidential and yet not lie.

Of course, it would not be right for one person to do anything against the relationship/marriage values and not being opened to the partner in some form or fashion. But if the other partner suspects, it isn’t exactly right for them to shift into the role of spy, pursuer, or parent either. In this case, effective, matured, and productive communication is the way out. Don’t become spies or start to monitor your partner; it can result to heart attack, high blood pressure or any other health issue which can cause more problems for you.

Let’s examine and answer the following questions in our minds as we continue; be sincere with it because sincerity is what birth truth, inspiration and growth:

How does it benefit you or your partner for them to know every detail about your past relationship history?

How does it benefit you or your partner to know every detail about where you are on your trip with the guys? The girls? The bachelorette/bachelor party?

How does it benefit you or your partner to know every single detail about your recovery? Your job? And your finances

It really all comes down to trust and control.

We don’t completely trust, so we ask, we push, we force, we badger. And I won’t blame those individual as such, it is as a result of past experiences. Imagine you opted out of a relationship where you partner almost killed you with lies, then going into another will warrant extra care not to be deceived like the previous and this is where the problem lies. We feel that we can’t trust, so we feel out of control, try to control, we demand, we push and we question.

I hope we know so well that having privacy and keeping secrets is not the same thing.

To cut the long story short, we shall be examining few subheadings right away and they will be into two parts which will be for singles and married. I believe we ought to know that; the kind of privacy and openness that singles or individuals in dating relationship or courtship will pant for will be different from that of married individuals. Meaning that the way married individuals should relate with the subject of secret, openness and privacy will be different from individuals involved in dating relationship or courtship.

They shall be one; Is for married ones and not singles; Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife:  and they shall be one flesh….1

Privacy for singles in summary:
We all know that for any relationship to last (be it romantic or any other kind), it must be built on trust, and trust in this context is not because you promise to be trusted and I will trust you just like that, that is not very valid in this generation, but trust that had been validated over time.

When you are in relationship with anyone, you should know from the beginning of the relationship without you being told that lies will kill trust (you being trusted), playing games in such relationship is running a test of lies and it will ruin your relationship, once I get to know that you lie, then I will begin to question the trust I have for you. You don’t need to lie to me 20 times before I start questioning it, just once and my state of mind will automatically start to question your integrity.

This whole trust issue burns down to lies which will set in as a result of insincerity and unfaithfulness; can I take your YES for YES and your NO for NO

When we agree to start a relationship, I should be ready to be transparent enough, to be loyal to my proposal, to sell my trust to you and for you to buy it just once, I should try all my possible best to maintain the trust I’ve sold to you, you also who accepted my proposal on the platform of agreement (Can two walk together, except they be agreed?….2) should be ready to be faithful and sincere enough to convince me of the trust you are selling to me. You should know it’s not possible to wake up one day completely trust you without any past experience with you that can convince and encourage me to.

There are certain individuals that if they by chance hear that their partner do this or that, they will start to panic and put up a sad, angry and sorrowful face because of their past experience without trying to check or validate the information they got, likewise are there certain individuals that no matter what (negative) you tell them about their partner, they will only tell you thank you and never get disturbed or bothered with the so called information you shared with them, and thereafter, they will start avoiding you because you will be considered an enemy of progress, why? Because of the trust they have sold or bought by experience in the relationship over time.

The reason why people lie is because they are not faithful and sincere with the person they lied to. I am in a relationship with you and I am not having any other affair elsewhere, please if my phone rings and I’m a bit far from it, I will tell you to bring it for me, if I have a message and I’m a bit far from my phone, I will tell you to read it out for me, only if it has to do with my client (counseling or likes; because people’s privacy and identity are meant to be kept save and confidential). But imagine me having affairs, once my phone ring or a text by change entered, I will lose my peace instantly because I don’t know who the person may be.

Therefore, it is very important that partners, lovers or spouse trust one another and also do all possible best to maintain the trust because, once trust is lost, you are losing your relationship gradually.

It is important that we know so well that we can’t buy trust, we can only build it, and this building will take time, you don’t rush it and say I just want him/her to trust me. No, it doesn’t work like that. There is a way to build trust in relationship/marriage and that we will consider in the next post; use the link below to get connected

HOW TO BUILDTRUST IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP AND MARRIAGE

Reference

Gen 2:24…….1

Amos 3:3…….2